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12th June 2010

8:35pm: PLEASE dont worry, it's PERFECTLY NORMAL.

i feel just like i always have.  the echoes of every past summer climb into my throat, and every time a word gets ready to speak, out comes a cough.  sunburnt permanent, orange, pink, shades of skin and new lines on my face, i head out into the weather,
to meet my friends.
Current Mood: anxious

18th July 2009

12:17pm: Nacirema Dream.
   Paris.
i just got back home 3 nights ago.  when the plane came in over the rockies, over vancouver, my left ear sealed completely, because i am having some head cold problems, left over from this terrible flu which i got in India, probably H1N1, in my opinion.  it really was a break-bone fever.  anyways, as i was saying, my left ear sealed, and it was quite awkward for me, having to meet my eagerly awaiting family and hearing my own voice trapped inside my head every time i said anything.  i was just plain disoriented, incredibly so, having spent about 27 hours on planes and in airports.
   Istanbul.
when i left mumbai it was pouring rain and 3 am.  for one month i had been there, a 12.5 hour time difference from my home.  life is hard in mumbai.  it is expensive, the most expensive city in India, and during this time of the year, we all live under the constant oppression of the climate.  in the first week or so when i arrived, it was so hot i couldnt survive long outside.  like a spoiled caucasian from the west i bought myself rooms with air-con the whole time, until the monsoon rains finally showed up.  a non air con room is half the price. 
the rains would come in bursts, maybe last for one or two hours, then the rest of the day it was a comfortable 28C and overcast.  once, i was on the beach in goa when the rain burst over the sand.  the drops stung me when they touched my skin, they shot themselves right through my closed, squinted eyelids and dislodged my contact lenses.  they drove away the desperate, persistent touts and hawkers that had followed me the length of the beach for half an hour, trying to sell me anything they could, because it was the off-season and i was the only white tourist around.
   Mumbai.
Last night, i went out for dinner with a good friend.  he bought me one glass of champagne, and as we chatted, i realized that the entire last year of my life has been something incredible, so good, i cant expect anything more from this year ahead of me.  (my years are measured from summer to summer, not january to january.  even though my birthday is in january.)  i can only expect a lot of hard work and self-inner-life development.  my friend told me the japanese word for this kind of year, but i forget what it was.  it was verry bleak and serious.  in japan they realize there are periods of life that people go through like this.  my friend says these are times "when you dont promote yourself.  you just work very hard, quietly".  i have a long way to go in school, i lost my job, i am living at my parents house right now.  its all very practical, and makes sense, and i have some things to work towards, but..
my boyfriend has left this city.  he has been here only two years, i have been here 5.  he is moving to madrid, right now he is working in milan, italy.  he is foreign, 2 years younger than me.  when he was here he made me feel like i was connected to the rest of the world..or at least something bigger, something exciting.  he was my link out of this small canadian city.  this fantasy land where everything is so perfect its easy to get in trouble, by accident.  its a place where the people are all white and socially cold, insecure.  music snobs, giant north american culture craze, trashy hoody droopers downtown on the corner, "tattoos", paper bag mcdonalds, smirking makeup around the eyes muffin top sunburn shoulders, movie theaters, $10 tickets, $2.25 a bus ride, $8 an hour did you need a hand with anything ok take your time minimum wage retail worker.
   Vancouver.
i looked up at the wine glasses hanging upside down above the clean wooden bar, my friend went to the bathroom.  my (ex) boss was sitting somewhere else in the restaurant, reminding me to be upset i no longer have a comfortable job to slip back into.  the air was cool, it was not humid, the streets are so clean, everything is clean and of sound construction.  there are rules here about that kind of thing.  laws.
in europe, they feel at least like they have a language, a culture that they maintain and uphold.  there is a sense of being small, not the centre of the world.  their culture is not popular everywhere, not exported to even the smallest one room cement cell in a kathmandu slum. they have something unique and they are proud. 
in india, the basic necessities of survival are clear, bare on the streets.  reality is not complicatedly hidden behind screens of money and welfare and government and cell phone corporations.  the humanness of everyone becomes clear.  the men are small and move gracefully.  cows shit in the street and women sweep it away, birds eat their own, dead roadkill, every sentence is ended with "yaar" (friend), the rich dont interact with the poor, a meal costs less then $4.
what im saying is.  my point is just this;
here in this developed nation i dont feel connected to reality.  no one knows how deeply we live in this dream.  i miss living somewhere hard and awake.  we all crave novelty, maybe thats just what my problem is.
as i looked at the upside down glasses hanging, i remembered last winter, rocco, my job, my old room, my old self, the places i left, the people speaking hindi with wobbling heads, and i cried a bit.  then we got drunk.

16th December 2008

11:22pm: quizz.
 HOW MUCH HAVE YOU CHANGED IN THE LAST 5 YEARS!!!

-------------5 years ago-----------

1. How old were you?: 17
2. Where did you go to school?: gulf islands secondary
3. Where did you work?: studio 103, aveda.
4. Where did you live?: saltspring island
5. Where did you hang out?: in my room, in the truck, in the art room, on ferries and busses and downtown victoria, value village.
6. Did you wear glasses?: yes
7. Who was your best friend(s)?: petra, machala, jo.
8. How many tattoos did you have?: one
9. How many piercings did you have?: maybe 4 or something.
10. What car did you drive?: ford F150
11. Had you been to a real party?: i dont know whats a real party.
12. Had you had your heart broken?: Yes!!
13. Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?: single


-------------2 years ago------------

1. How old were you?: 20
2. Where did you go to school?: camosin.
4. Where did you live?: victoria bc.
5. Where did you hang out?: in my room, in my living room, in thrift stores.
6. Did you wear glasses?: yes
7. Who were your best friend(s)? kent, petra
9. How many tattoos did you have?: 1
10. How many piercings did you have?: 0
11. What car did you drive?: didnt.
12. Had your heart broken?: yes.
13. Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?: taken, sort of common law married.

--------------------Today--------------------

1. How old are you?: 22
2. Where do you go to school?: Camosun
3. Where do you work?: Fido Solutions inc.
4. Where do you live?: Victoria
5. Where do you hang out?: my room.  my lover's houses.  the kitchen.  yates st fido.
7. Who are your best friend(s)?: petra, jo, my mom, 
9. How many tattoos do you have?: 1
10. How many piercings do you have?: 0
11. What car do you drive?: 0
12. Had your heart broken?: yes
13. Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?: taken.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING..
1 MINUTE AGO: asking jo if she thought i had changed since i was 17 and telling her if i thought she had.
1 HOUR AGO: flouncing around in my room watching kath and kim.
1 DAY AGO: i was coming home from the canoe club staff dinner party.
1 YEAR AGO: watching lost with jo after coming home from working at mayfair mall fido kiosk.

Last big car ride: over a year ago.
Last movie seen in theaters: jaymez bond.
Last person you texted/called: rocco
Last CD played: team mint sampler cd from the show at logans.
Last drink drank: grey fox wine.

SHORT ANSWER.
I AM: a fool.
I HAVE: hair growing on me.
I LIKE: eating.
I WISH: i could make money & travel as much as i wanted to all the sweetest places on earth.
I DANCE: and its weird.
I CRY: when im sad.

FAVORITES...
NUMBER: 12
COLOR(s): green
DAY(S): Thursday
MONTH(S): march.
SEASON: spring.
DRINK: earl grey tea.

IN THE LAST 2 DAYS, HAVE YOU...
CRIED?: no
HELPED SOMEONE?: yes
GOTTEN SICK?: no, but maybe.
GONE TO THE MOVIES?: no.
SAID 'I love you'?: no.  but i said "love you"
TALKED TO AN EX?: no.
WRITTEN IN A DIARY OR JOURNAL?: yes
HAD A SERIOUS TALK?: yeah.


TEN FAVORITES:
1. Show? 6 feet under.  my so called life, kath and kim, lost.
2. Flower? small darling ones that are the colour of purple ocean moons.
3. Colour(s)? green, orange, fuschia, purple, moon
4. Sport? sex is the closest i come to a sport i guess.
5. Mall? i hate them.  i guess one in singapore.  or the KTM mall, with walls missing on the 5th floor.
6. Music? noisy feedback blurred out guitar dreamy pop punk post rock atmospheric jarring electronic/ glamorous gangsta rap/hip hop overproduced and edited and corporate/ lo-fi, DIY, riot grrl, glitchy cute, twee.
7. Food? south asian, vegetarian, vegan, colourful food is healthiest for you.
8. Season? printemps.
9. Day? thurs.
10. City? ohhh GODD, dont ASK ME!!  alexandria, kathmandu, singapore, varanasi.  those 4 are the only ones i can really state, because i havent seen the rest.  but of what ive seen, those ones.  for different reasons.

TEN FACTS:
1. Height? 5'9"
2. Hair colour? they saye....  im a red head.  a ginger.
3. Hair length? short.
4. Hair style? its just short reddish hair.
5. Eye color? Brown.
6. Shoe size? 8 or 9.
7. Smell? clean air, forest next to beach, that flower that was perfuming everywhere in india.. maybe it was magnolia.. and sandalwood.
8. Available? no.
9. Have any plans for today? today ends in 6 minutes.  
10. Mood? fussy.


TEN THINGS: THIS OR THAT
1. Love or money? love.  hearts.
2. Hard liquor or beer? i like them both.
3. Broken MP3 or disconnected internet? internet
4. Hookups or relationships? relationships, with periods of experimentation and lassaize faire in between.
5. Television or internet? internet
6. Pepsi or Coke? coke
7. Chocolate or vanilla? either or.  maybe choco.
8. Coloured or black and white pictures? both.  b&w is nice.
9. Phone or in person? in person
10. MSN or Myspace? msn

TEN HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Have you ever been caught sneaking out? i couldnt.  where could i have snuck to?
2. Have you ever skinny dipped? no.
3. Have you ever done something you regret? yes
4. Have you ever bungee jumped? no
5. Have you ever been on a house boat? i think so.
6. Have you ever finished an entire jaw breaker? maybe when i was 7 or 8 and salacious.
7. Have you ever wanted someone so badly it hurt but you never told them? oh god thankfully no.  i told them, at least, i think.  i hope.
8. Have you ever been streaking? no
9. Have you ever ran away? no, aw.
10. Wanted to? no.  i loved my mom.

TEN EMOTIONS:
1. Are you missing someone? hard to say.  it depends.
3. Are you talking to anyone right now? no
4. Are you bored? why else would i be doing this?
5. Are you German? partly.
6. Are you British? probably.
7. Are you French? maybe... somewhere.
8. Are you Italian? supposedly.
9. Are your parents still married? Nope!  :D
10. Do you like someone now? yes.  hes so cute and adorable and little and nice.

TEN RIGHT NOWS:
1. Thinking about? whether or not my body is dirty.
2. Are you eating? no.
3. Are you happy? more than i was when i started.
4. What were you doing an hour ago? thinking and doing stuff.
5. What are you wearing? some girls jeans i stole from value village a few days ago, an old white t shirt, woolen socks.
6. Are you cold? my feet yes.
7. Are you excited? yes!!
8. Are you upset? yes!
9. What is your current mood? interesting.
10. Are you alone? in my room.

11th December 2008

9:45pm:
i feel so stuck where i am.  geographically, physically, on this earth, in this city.  i know its how it is for most people on this planet.  maybe i just feel more uncomfortable with it because of what ive been through in my life.  since i was small.

i remember when i was about 8 and i was living on oahu there was this empty room in our house, a guestroom, and i would have this suitcase in there and it was always packed.  it got to be a bit of a shrine for me actually...  all my precious things laid out, and my clothes all folded in there, even though i had no plans to actually leave.  

sitting in the room i felt like i was somewhere else..  mostly i imagined i was in an airport.. or like i was moving, inside of  some vessel..  like it was actually a ship or some kind of room on a plane.  just being in there i had this huge sense of imminent "leaving".  the adrenaline of travel was intoxicating.  everything around me took on this heir of "temporary-ness", even the leaves of the plants rooted to the ground outside.

I think i was in grade 4 or 5.. and in my math text book there was this one picture of a jetliner taking off, in the sunset, and when i looked at it i would almost cry.  i missed home, at that time.  and now really all i think about is getting away from it.

when i returned home this summer, i thought i would go back to school.  i never did.  i have been working downtown.  it was kind of depressing at first, but then around back to school time i realized about 90% of the people i help are from another country.. and i love it.  i feel like i work in an airport or something.  mostly i see koreans, saudi arabians, brazilians, thai, chinese, japanese, mexicans, and occasionally some russians ukrainians australians and folk from the EU.

i started dating a guy, a customer, who is italian.  hanging out with him and his friends i feel like i really am one of the ESL crew.
the only thing is, all these international students know a life fairly different from what i do.  they are privileged.. their parents can pay for them to live in a foreign place..  you should see their wardrobes, and the way they can spend so much money on alcohol and food every weekend... and their jewelry.. even their cars and houses are glamorous.  it can be weird to be around a lot.  tuition per semester for them costs about 5x what it does for me.

they dont know any of the music i listen to and they would feel awkward if they knew where i get my jeans.  (value village)

but its fun.  
i am going back to school in january.  its been a year.
but in the summer, or maybe as soon as i can.. maybe in May, i will leave again.  i think i will go to Hong Kong and then Bangkok, and live as cheaply and for as long as i can there, or until september.  the only thing i need is a legitimate reason for staying.  if i cant find one i will meet a lover, thats a good excuse to stay in a place.

everyone asks if its scary, to travel on your own.  maybe we're just too used to our own mean little world here in north america.  from what ive seen of it, the rest of the world is much friendlier. 

27th March 2008

12:27pm: the ganges and the nile.
 
for easter, my ukrainian family had a struggle about who got me and my brother.  one group was here, in victoria, and one was in vancouver.  we went to vancouver and went to a greek byzantine orthodox church, or something like that.  everything that was spoken was in ukrainian, so did i get anything from that?  maybe.  i liked looking at the icons of divine humans.  they were all so obviously modified egyptians, like isis.  so, i prayed to her the entire time.
in eighteen days i will be at thirty thousand feet flying in the same direction as the setting sun.  to singapore! 
then i am meeting my uncle in delhi, and the very next day we catch another flight to varanasi, one of the most ancient, holiest and filthy cities on earth.  we will drift down the ganges at dawn.
then on and around in india some more,
then on to nepal where i will meet bushi, and we will do some missions together..  tea house treks in the mountains, visiting all the stupas everywhere, going to lumbini, birthplace of buddha, languishing in the haze and friendly chaos of kathmandu, observing some elephants and tigers and birds in the malaria jungles.
then on june 12 i fly from kathmandu to cairo.  i will explore that city alone for 3 nights, possibly going to cafes and the american university..  then i join a tour that takes me through the entire length of the country, stopping at all the amazing temples and tombs.  i am looking forward most to seeing abydos, the ancient sacred pilgrimage site of the old religion..  the tomb of osiris.  or at least his head.  the resting place of my dear omm sety.
and also, Abu Simbel!! 
i will cruise down the nile on a private boat, and go to the red sea, then back to cairo.
i should be home sometime in july.  but if i have the spirit and money left in me, of course theres the whole world still left for me to get to.  i would like to see the ancient buddhist mystery "borobudur" in java.., and of course i would love to go to the My Bloody Valentine concert in paris in july.  we'll see.  i could be dead by then, or something.
its kind of like bragging to write all this down.  kind of.  but i have been waiting and hoping and saving and putting all the positive visualizations my blood could come up with into this for 5 years. 
still,
it can be awkward talking about it, to anyone.  it makes me feel like i have a secret magic in my future, and its glaring.
im trying to be responsible as i can about everything.  i know im a tourist.
i expect hard times, confusion, chaos, homesickness, culture shock... spending at least one full night alone in an uncomfortable chair in the airport of the island kingdom of bahrain.  maybe some loneliness, isolation, lots of reading, illness, hunger.
but, its what it takes, and im eager to give it.

oh, woah, watching the hail storm outside is more satisfying than sex.
Current Mood: foolish.

14th March 2008

2:30pm: makes me cloyingly garrulous over it.
about it.


a furtive glance,
a passive reaction.
our minds are two unlikely passengers,
unlikely seatmates
on a spherical globe anchored to
a spherical explosion
drifting in a spiral
of clusters of
masses of
matter
in a bubble
that is expanding and
undefined.
but you're cute,
anyway.
and all we know
we get,
for nothing
from our
noses, ears, eyes, mouths and skin.
Current Mood: shy.

14th February 2008

8:05pm: i gleam,
like a mirror.
the wave of my life is cresting on itself, before i go.  its breaking and foaming what tiny little fun things and riches it has somehow swept up from the ocean's floor.
i cant wait to leave, like always.
armies of dead clouds have puffed out of this mouth too many nights in this room.  my fingernails and hair indifferently grow on me.  the hair on my ankles doesnt care when i'm in a panic.  pores in my skin open and close like anemonies while scars flake and heal.  poisons pass through my gut, casually, through my sooty lungs.  everything is held up on the pads of my narrow-boned feet.

17th January 2008

2:54pm: dead streets.

i dropped out of school to go to india.

i leave in april, and i'll be back...who knows when.
i am meeting my uncle in india, and we are travelling around, in the north.  eventually we will end up at the darjeeling hill station, with clear views of the three highest peaks of the himalayas, at which point he will go on to hong kong and i will make my way into nepal.  /alone-
its cheap to stay there, in nepal.  i will go to temples and travel through ancient cities.  maybe volunteer for an NGO..  maybe take a yoga or meditation course... maybe read a lot..maybe go on some treks.  i might even see a living hindu goddess.
after nepal i dont know where i will go.
i guess i should come home for school in september.  right?

now i have to go out and find myself another job for the months between now & then.

my life finally found its way out.
Current Mood: good. !

10th January 2008

11:25am: a future shoreline.
  
i know i'm not the only one who feels like this in this city.         is it this place or is it me?

then what?  stuck, turning 22.

yesterday this vitamin-e slathered little man came up to me at work and spoke at me for about half an hour solidly about how exactly the world was going to fail.  it started with him telling me he needed a phone because every person in his family had cancer, then somehow he got onto the topic of hail up to bus windows and indonesian islands disappearing into the rising ocean and tectonic plates fucking things up in the deep ocean and jet streams coming down out of the sky at over 200 miles an hour to destroy things spontaneously.  i was like "oh, so-" but couldn't get a word in.  he was raging with it.
so if hes right, which he obviously is judging by his bug eyes and greased nose and worn out cap (was he an alien prophet?), i dont need to worry about anything after 2020 because were doomed and my current front door should be right on the shoreline.
the last piece of advice tossed into the dazed hollow of my mind was that if i travel "get a phone with fuckin GPS, cuz you never know when you'll need it."  does that makse sense though?  anyways, he made me scared about going to the other side of the earth in a few months.
basically/////  i dont know.
Current Mood: kind of full of crap.

21st December 2007

7:49pm: everyone i know is here right now on this sphere.

dispassionate and kind.
soon, i want to get away and see some other places on this earth.  why am i keeping myself here, in this small island town for so long when i need not?
i want to see some other forests and foliage., and mountains and thunder storms of a place with a higher altitude.
of course i want to see a desert, and banyan trees and red dirt.  canyons and craters. 
some estuaries and some empty beaches with overcast sky and little tiny sand bars just off shore for me to walk upon.
im not interested in sun and swimming, or huge cold antique cities, though i respect them.  i dont have the same passion for it everyone else seems to.
clouds and sand dunes are really what breaks my heart.  ruins and distances. 

i need to get to the indian subcontinent, islands in the mediterranean, northern africa and the nile, not just for the human culture and temples, but for the earth itself.
yes, of course i have romanticized everything, but life would be doomed without that.
so, i will.
Current Mood: Not.

16th December 2007

2:40pm: meager.

winter time.
im living slowly.
staying up late and sleeping in.
grey as the sky.
Current Mood: ache.

3rd December 2007

9:59pm: i am here.

my landlord found out that we have a cat staying in this house.  $600 damage deposit for that shit.  and he did shit on the floor today, too.  which he never has done since we moved in.
he whines all day, snores at night, has fleas that get in my bed and bite my scalp.  hes pretty old.  grumpy and damn beaten.  you can feel his spine when you touch his back.  he belonged to kent, but kent couldnt take him to vancouver, and im better with him, so i took responsibility.  its just weird that as soon as kent leaves he costs me $600.
but anyways, my landlord was telling me a bit about this house while he was here.  when he bought it in i think the late 90's there was a witch living upstairs (my suite), a medieval couple living downstairs, and heroin addicts in the basement.  the witch had shrines everywhere, built into the walls, which were stained with smoke and mouldy.  he mentioned she specifically had shrines dedicated to george clooney. 
the medieval couple and the witch had plans to turn the house into an official pagan church..  with the upstairs being the holy worship area and the downstairs something else.. 
then he asked me what kind of weird things i had noticed since ive been living here.. as if he was fully expecting me to have had encounters with things.
he said that a few other tenants who have lived here over the years have reported things..like hearing doors and cupboards open and close, hearing voices, seeing things...and especially hearing things coming from the attic..
the attic has always scared me a bit because its big, it covers the whole house, and theres a window up there.  its not a finished attic though, as far as i know.. but still its just creepy to think of the sad winter light beeming in there day after day..hitting the same spots and then turning into the same yellow streetlight puddles at night. 
i have heard things up there...almost every night in the winter i hear thumps and scruffles...but im pretty sure thats just racoons.  ive seen them climb the trees outside my window, and maybe they get in through a chimney or something? ( i hope.. )
its definitely too big to be rats...
the rest of the house feels totally neutral to me.  especially my room.  im not scared.
the only room that does scare me is kents old room.  he never slept in it, it was more of a study..  i think, the whole time we lived here, we spent one night in there...and i couldnt sleep at all because i was scared and kept hearing things and noticing light and shadows.  but thats just because i have an imagination and think about ghosts when i have insomnia.  ^.^
its a 3 bedroom place, but there has always been at least one spare room the entire time weve lived here.  so maybe thats the spirit's room.
we'll see what happens when we get a new roommate who moves in there, hehe.

anyways, it was fascinating to find out this place had such weird history.

i moved in here with kyle and kent.  now im the only one left.
Current Mood: stringy goth girl in big hoody

19th October 2007

11:44am: the old time comes back but with parts of the new time.
 

finally i got myself a real camera.  its so cute and small and perfect like a little tiny star-case.  i just cant stop looking at it.

its true that i unwittingly over scheduled myself this semester, what with work n school n ending a two year four month relationship.  but its ok, i think i might be dealing with it now.  so far the only grades ive gotten back are A's, ..  and soon jo will be moving in here with me again, and i love her.
the thing is,
if people are convinced the way things are are the way they should be, they will settle for it.
so,  .
life is about to change.

23rd September 2007

6:26pm: shoucked.


my head's been full of the most vapid thoughts all day.
lustreless introvert.
i want an overview, or some kind of expression of my life for me to see right now so i can do something with it.
Usefull.
Current Mood: half-girl-half-boy

18th September 2007

1:50pm: Haunted House

there is a house near craigdarroch castle and the eccentric old professor who used to live there moved away to england and left all of his sweet stuff there.  so we got hired to clean it up, and condense all of his junk into good and bad piles.
we went there and pillaged some of the not too valuable stuff.  it was like a thrift store.
and it was scary and felt kind of haunted but more like we were just walking around someone's empty house at night.  its a mansion though.
a rabbi is coming to take some things for an auction.  but im sure no one cares about us taking some old shoes and clothes and towels and cups and other gorgeous things that have been forgotten since mid century.

i have untold volumes to read for school now.
Current Mood: tired&grumpy.

13th September 2007

1:20pm: throat feeling of being tired.
it feels distinctly different,
this time,
like theres something
building up and
waiting,
and i feel like someone
else.

sometimes for a change
something different.

the only one around, the tallest building for miles,
everything being so quiet made me more sensitive to the no-noise
of empty places
and the autonomy of
an individual linked through their cardiovascular system
to the streets.
twoone.
Current Mood: sour.

4th September 2007

9:23pm: you gotta give.



i gotta learn. today was the first day of being back at school for me. my classes seem so amazing and interesting, but the work is intimidating, especially when im still working at fido so damn much all the time. but my old cold metal face should be able to take it now.
my best friend told me to take care of myself in unbest situations i need to pretend im a caring mother what is feeding her innocent pepitos.
in my morning class i have kyle, dylan, zeb, and justine with me.  i havent known so many people in one class since grade 5!

oops, i made kent mad.
 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)()()()()())***8&^%$#@$^&^%^&*&&7777654
help#
Current Mood: theres a secret one.

30th August 2007

10:23am:
smashed concrete wall in zombie land below value village, remnants of the carefree industrial days of the victoria inlet, with a storm front approaching over the new glass developments across the way.

cell phone pictures can only be so good. VGA camera.///\
i wish i had a real one.

27th August 2007

11:23am: owls.
its like theres a grain of sand in a sensitive spot and nothing will make me numb. and i cant ignore it. itch itch...
and its like there's decade(s) old cultural references flying around me and i dont understand any of them.

and then its like, finally i have some normal pictures of us together!!:



yesterday i met a cousin of mine from the ukrainian side of my family, whom i havent seen since i was 7. that side of my lineage has always been a mystery to me since i dont really communicate with my father, so it was interesting to hear some history. i thought i was pure 50% ukrainian, but no; my grandmother's grandmother was east indian. and then also theres some turkish and italian from them too. but woah, India genetics. so maybe thats why ive always been so into it. my grandparents were taken by the germans from the ukraine when they were 14 and 16 and she was made to work in a coka cola bottling plant in the day and then at the hitler youth training camp in the night, and he was put in a concentration camp and then got together with 10 other boys and escaped. then they met in an apple orchard in the ukrainian refugee camp, munich. then they moved to montreal, had kids, moved to miami, then toronto, then vancouver. roughly, dont quote any of this.

and, oh-hohowaoh. god. ive listened to this same song 40 times already!
Current Mood: touch wood.

22nd August 2007

7:40pm: psywave.


stick to the shade.
i always stand in the shadows cast by skeletal poles and wires when im on the street, because its safer.
i feel like im a shape that doesnt fit into the shape its being forced to fit into. but ive felt that way since this life was something new. maybe it still is new and that feeling just shows how new it is. i tried being too many things, spread out and at the same time and for the future and i took my past and tried to make it so many different things but there really is nothing new about it ever. and im too distracted and dream.
school starts in about like next week kind of and that means summers over. what i have done with mine is make thousands of dollars and expanded my music tastes.

and i know what i want, more than i did, but its still sad and beyond a void.
oh ya, and i also discovered if i try really hard i can make the universe show me what i ask for. its true, you just have to turn off the "imagination" side of your brain and the "logical" side.
Current Mood: meek, yearning.

16th August 2007

12:40pm: crumpullie


oh, im so tired and slight.

i need to clean up the broken lightbulb in the closet.
i need to be inundated with media.
i have to repott my poor dying plant.
i need to go shopping.
sigh. i need to breathe and feel like i actually am.
i need to get out from this construction smell of burning tar.
the cats hair got everywhere.
i have to look up all the things i dont know that much about because im tired of being ignorant, and all the really cool people know all this stuff that i dont. if i want to talk competently then i have to take care of this problem and solve my own questions the only way i know how. wikipedia.
the dishes are days old. its a good thing i dont have roommates now.
i have to read over all my old school notes from last semester.
on the 20th i will know what books to buy, and then i will need some time to be sad about how much money im losing to god knows what. my future cannot possibly be worth that much from poor old me at 21. crie. fat white pigs.
so where should i start? stop writing in this journal and sip some cool water? i thought i would choose something like that. not actually productive, just, lazily trying to nurse my......... .. . .....self... .. .
ok. time to fold up that mound of clothes from the past week.
there's dust and crumbs everywhere.
Current Mood: it's tired.

5th August 2007

12:25pm: "we would hear strange sounds coming from the basement."
even though it might be warm and sunny, the cold open window makes my thin hands feel grey in the shade of inside my house. i thought about lighting a candle last night after 2, but then i forgot and let myself dissolve into the satisfaction of a thoughtless sleep.



sometimes during those late hours, if im lucky, a certain calm comes to rest on my skull, like time has lost its insane careening urgency, and for a few hours i can just be as still and light as a bubble of methane floating through a sky with no wind. people would think i'm a ghost ufo from below.

2nd August 2007

9:39am: r0b0tTT\.dot.
why is it i
am never
around'''
like minded people?



i miss being three in my backyard with my first only friend, long lost now, as we ate the grass and saw ghosts in trees and stuffed flower petals into tiny jars of water to make perfume. pretty, pure, fumes.
Current Mood: dirty adult human waking up.

26th July 2007

10:35am: a demon sits atop the pagoda on her wedding day;



as the princess watches with lazy despondency from below.



"doomed".

23rd July 2007

9:53am: summer keeps going away,
the summer days go through phases of night and day. its night, it rains, and everything is sleeping and being absorbed.



during the past week my brain has been so slow.., ive been like a tired cocooning caterpillar. curling up and fading to a dry nothing. and the traffic's noise melts in the walls while the cat pukes his delicate heart out in the next room.
but then now i decided i should try being healthy and put myself on a routine that makes me good everyday, and smart. because school starts soon and i have to be ready.
i got my courses and they are 1. sociology-women in canadian society. 2. anthropology of women. 3. sociology of deviance. 4. industrialization and social change.
so, hoi :..:
Current Mood: slow liquid.
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